Being a survivor of sexual assault, I have often felt censored. I felt censored by my perpetrator: he took my bodily autonomy and that in itself censored a light inside of me that has felt impossible to relight. I then felt silenced by my own community. Something I have said when speaking about my experiences with sexual violence in the past is that community is key for the aftermath of an assault and key for survivors. It is an enormous betrayal to be assaulted in of itself, let alone be shunned by your community for making the difficult, brave decision to tell your story to others within and outside of your community. I lost many friends after I reported my perpetrator, I got told every excuse in the book a rape apologist could think of when defending a known abuser. If I’m being honest though, I felt most silenced in the times when people I loved decided to defend an abuser in the public eye or someone they knew personally, an abuser that wasn’t mine. In some ways, it sounds odd. You wouldn’t understand it unless you’re a survivor yourself, but when someone you love who has made it clear that they believe you— suddenly turns around and doesn’t believe another survivor, it feels like someone rubbing salt into the wound. Through the media, I constantly see other survivors be shunned, victim-blamed, mocked, and silenced. Their stories erased, their pain minimized and their perpetrators “pain” maximized. What is even worse, often the people doing this are survivors themselves who are likely projecting their own feelings about their experience onto survivors they encounter in their own lives. Which is why it is important for everyone, survivor or not, to not partake in the constant public shaming and rape apology that takes place within the media and in even the closest smallest communities, too. To advocate and stand up for survivors means not cherry picking which abusers you hold accountable. It means making a point to see the nuance in situations that you previously would’ve never thought to look for. It means much more than just saying the words “I believe you.”

How you respond to rapists and abusers in your own life, and in the public eye, has a catastrophic impact and effect on the survivors in your life, and the survivors who will inevitably see your “harmless” comments online. Before you support an abuser online, in the public eye, or even in your life, ask yourself these questions: Do you really want to publicly out yourself as an unsafe individual to confide in? Do you wish to out yourself as a rape apologist to any single one of your friends around you when at least one is likely a victim themselves? Do you really think that a singular comment you make on a survivor's post, won’t be seen by other survivors and create a ricochet effect? It’s true that the internet has created a place that makes it easy to think that a single comment or post you make will have no impact on anyone else. I ask you to step away from this thinking, to expand your compassion to those you don’t know, and overall educate yourself on how you can truly support survivors whether online, or in your community. The pain you might feel by cutting off an abuser in your life would never compare to the pain a survivor will feel when abandoned and left out in the cold by yet another person, so you can play devil’s advocate for a devil with enough advocates. Survivors have been let down by countless systems and people, don’t let you be one of them.